


Unbridled Alleviation

by RumiReneeClarke



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Consent Play, Dark, Deception, Dominant Ben Solo, Dubious Consent, Everyone Has Issues, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, Loss of Virginity, Mind Games, Murder, Obsessive Behavior, Reylo - Freeform, Romance, Shameless Smut, Smut, Step-siblings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-03
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2020-04-07 06:28:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19079383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RumiReneeClarke/pseuds/RumiReneeClarke
Summary: Rey, a once sheltered girl now thrown in the social landscape of a university tries to deal with emotional strain, deception and most importantly, the fraternity leader whom she shares a house with next to campus; Her step-brother Ben.A story of modern darkness.





	1. Profane Endeavour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> D A R K

Rey walks out of the shower and wraps a big towel around her. She picks out a comb from the top drawer and starts working on her hair. It’s a tangled mess again. 

The fog on the mirror starts ebbing away and slowly she can see her reflection. She’s pretty, a “natural beauty” her dad always says. It might be because she has bushy brows and longer hair than most girls, or maybe it’s because she rarely wears makeup, aside from her mother’s favourite lipstick and some concealer covering her outbreaks now and then. She got the latter for free with her new birth control last year. 

She’s not pretty like Kaydel though. The girl is tall, blonde and her blue eyes are as clear as the water back in Takodana. But that’s not important, Ben’s girlfriend is really one of the sweetest girls she’s ever met. She wonders whether he’ll keep this one for longer than 2 months, his position as fraternity leader however doesn’t make that very likely. he could get a new one by tonight.

Rey sighs. It’s all still a big mystery to her. The social landscape of a University. She also wonders where these people find the time. Her first semester at Jakku U is almost over and she’s not nearly finished studying for the upcoming exams. She’s never been a very social person but around here she’s a closed book. She’s managed to befriend a handful of people during the classes. Rose and Phasma being the only girls. 

A sheltered girl is what they call her. Up until three years ago she lived in a small town across the country. What a difference distance can make. Nobody felt it necessary to shape a new jawline every time they went out there. And she misses that, not feeling the pressure to compete with other girls, to constantly have to appear different or interesting. She doesn’t want to be judged anymore because she doesn’t count the amount of carbs in her pasta. No, where she comes from, people don’t judge you by the way you look. It shouldn’t matter this much.

It seems such a long time ago, and she knows she needs to stop living in the past. But she’s scared she might forget, she’s petrified even that once she stops thinking about all of it, her mom would disappear from her memory. Not being able to visit the grave is another painful thought. Who is watering the plants? Is her picture still intact? The pictures and videos she has here just aren’t enough.  
Her dad makes it all worth it though, seeing him happy and thriving again since moving here is the best possible outcome. Leia, a widow herself, is perfect for him. She’d never replace her mother, but Rey is glad her dad married a strong and smart woman who’s truly been a blessing in their lives. 

If only they lived closer now. She likes the freedom of being independent and it’s convenient living so close to campus, but sharing a house with a guy who throws parties whenever he wants, which is way too frequent, and hearing the loud girls he brings home, also way too frequent, wasn’t really her idea of going to college.

Rey can only hope she ever finds someone so well-suited for her. Her experience with guys is rather non-existent. She’s been on dates, two to be exact, and they started good, until she said she wanted to be home by 10 pm and those boys realised they weren’t getting any. Typical frat boys. She never heard from them again. Probably for the best, as she was still unsure of whether she was ready to have an intimate relationship with anyone. Well.. That was until Ben decided for her. 

Her stomach and insides twist in knots when thinking of it. Her big older step-brother, who’s also a Tech major, so eager to tutor her. If she would’ve had any idea of what could happen she would’ve picked integrative sciences instead of next generation disruptive technologies. 

“That’s mine.” 

She startles when she notices him by the door. His voice low and cold. Think of the devil… 

As one would expect he unlocked the door from the outside and walks in on her right now. His timing as perfect as ever. 

He’s only wearing briefs and has a fresh towel in hand. So he’s home from the gym early today then. 

She holds her breath and stares. His dark locks look wild, a stark contrast to his pale body. She wonders how he’s muscled so beautifully before noticing how his strong, solid shoulders flex when he closes the door and throws the towel over the shower wall. No one can deny he’s handsome and every guy on campus wants his haircare routine. 

He grabs the brush and pulls it from her harshly. Great, he’s in a mood. 

“Do you have any idea how long you’ve be..” He halts, studying her face. “Why are you crying?” He asks, only a little softer. She frowns and searches her reflection in the mirror. Only now does she see the tear running down her right cheek. 

He steps closer and uses his thumb to smear it out. She can feel the little itch of it drying now. He traces her skin further and lets the digit rest on her lower lip. Emotions are running wild through his eyes, hardening his features.

She backs away, pulling up her towel. “It’s nothing, I’m just stressed out.” 

“Exams?” He asks while letting his eyes wander down her body.

She swallows, and nods “mm”.

“Hmm” His eyes are dark, she thinks she saw the slightest twitch under his eye. “I could help you study again if you’d like.” He grins, grabbing her chin, forcing her to look up at him. His possessive frame hovering over hers.

“No I’m fine, thanks.” She doesn’t dare looking him in the eyes again. All of her muscles now tensing up together. 

He smiles.

“Oh Rey, I think you do need a little help relaxing.” 

The next thing she feels are Ben’s lips crushing onto hers. He grabs her waist and closes what’s left of the distance between them.

“No” Is al she manages to say before he kisses her again. She tries to get away, but he holds her there. She does succeed in slapping him in the face, earning her a twist of her left wrist. She cries out. “Be still.” He demands. Yelling at her as if he’s about to lose his patience with her.  
“Ben please.” She barely whispers as he’s yanking at her towel. “Why can’t you be gentle with me?”.

He pauses at that. They’re both surprised by her reaction. 

“Gentle?” He lets go of her.

He’s staring into her eyes, his own grown big, filled with lust and need. 

“Is that what you want?” He asks seemingly amused.

She opts for silence. Still panting from the struggle. 

He pushes a lock of hair back behind her ear. “I can do gentle.”  
“Just for you.” He whispers, leaning in to kiss her once again. 

His lips are soft like pillows, barely denting hers. She freezes in confusion.

He tilts his head slightly to deepen the kiss. She closes her eyes on some sort of autopilot. Is this really happening? This is how it should’ve been. Her first real kiss. Not a forced one that left bruises for days.  
She feels his hands wander again, but slowly, exploring, not grabbing and demanding. 

Should she… kiss him back? Her breath is ragged, she fears him still.

He licks her lower lip, encouraging her to open her mouth wider, allowing him access. She feels his tongue slip inside, tangling hers. It feels.. wet. He tastes fruity, like the sport drink he grabbed this morning from the fridge.

Without realising it she’s moving her lips simultaneously with his. They’re working together now. It’s as if they’ve done this a thousand times before. Well, he probably did.  
He must feel it too because she hears his breathing change. It’s becoming heavier and she swears she can hear him grunt softly.

He ends the kiss and grabs her hand. 

She opens her eyes, mesmerized. It’s as if she’s under his spell.

He guides her through the hallway and into his room. Rey is standing in front of his bed now. He closes the bedroom door.

Her breath’s ragged again, but is she afraid or excited? She can’t tell.

She makes a small jump when she feels his hands on her shoulders, caressing down her arms, then her thighs before he gently pulls down the towel, leaving her completely naked. Her cheeks are burning, they must glow red hot right now. The cool temperature of his room is making her nipples pebble. 

He comes around and steps in front of her, gazing down her body. 

“You’re so beautiful Rey.” He says softly, grabbing her chin between two fingers. 

Her eyes meet his again. The tension in the air feels different. She feels different.

She hears him say. “Don’t be afraid.” 

And with that Rey is lost. She lifts her slightly trembling hand and grabs his. She knows he’ll understand. Her consent.  
He grabs her head with both hands and finally kisses her again. If she could just kiss him for hours, the weight of those exams would disappear like snow in the sun. But he has other plans for her. He whispers in her ear. “I want to kiss you.” 

She frowns at him and leans back in. But he grabs her shoulders and holds her back.

“No” he says, lowering his gaze.

Oh, she gets it now. Her face is glowing again. She does wonder what that would feel like.

Before she can react his lips are on her neck, sucking and biting. She hopes he doesn’t leave a mark there again. He bends forward while his hands are roaming her body, massaging and kneading every inch of her skin.  
He halts at her breasts. Taking them both in his hands, as if he’s feeling what size they are. His thumbs caress her nipples making her gasp. She doesn’t know whether she’s sensitive or if he just really knows what he’s doing. 

His mouth lowers, leaving a trail of kisses down her collarbone. 

He gets down on his knees before licking her left nipple while stroking the other one. He nips and gives them a fierce tug, making her moan.  
She opens her eyes and gasps. Did she just moan like one of those girls, the ones he brings home after a night of drinking?

He chuckles and gets back to work.

His lips travel down her bare stomach. She’s panting already. After he grabs her hips, he kisses her stomach, then her hipbones, then her thighs. 

Right before Ben gets down to her apex he stops. She looks down and finds him staring up, as if he needs her to know, this is what he does to her. One way or another, he gets what he wants.  
He kisses her then. Licking the delicate flesh he explores and awaits her reaction. Her eyes are closed shut and her mouth is open, moaning. She doesn’t care if it’s loud. He nips at that one particular spot and hears her gasp for air. There it is. She can feel his smug smile between her legs. 

He lifts her right leg and puts it over his shoulder, opening her up so he can get closer. She lets it rest there to maintain balance. 

He grabs her behind with one hand, pulling her closer to his mouth while the other is playing with her body. He’s sucking and licking and soon her world starts spinning. 

More, she wants more. He can feel her squirm for it. Her hips start bucking and he slips his tongue inside. He reaches for her little nub and rubs it under his thumb in small circles.  
This makes her lose balance, but Ben felt it coming and immediately picks her up to lay her on his bed. 

She’s flustered and panting. 

He bends her legs and slides between her thighs. He’s already back to kissing her down there before he pushes her legs over his broad shoulders. 

He sucks on her nub while gently stroking her opening with one of his fingers. Rey tenses up for a moment, remembering how it had hurt before. The way he’s working her now however makes her want him to fill her up. 

When he feels how wet she is, he presses one large finger into her. It doesn’t hurt. It feels just right actually. She moans and bucks her hips up making him grunt. She can no longer control her legs while something is building inside her. He holds her still while he pushes in another digit. 

He’s pumping them in and out of her now, making her whimper and shake. She never thought Ben would make her feel this good. It’s like she’s ascending out of her own body.  
The pressure inside keeps on building and soon she’s screaming his name on top of her release. She’s so loud she’s sure the entire street heard her come to completion.  
Rey is still panting, for a moment she felt like her body was going to explode and there was nothing in this world she’d rather want. She feels movement on the bed and opens her eyes to see Ben laying next to her. 

She smiles at him. “Thank you.”

He kisses her on the mouth as a reaction, making her taste herself on his lips and tongue. She doesn't mind the taste, it's unlike anything she's ever had before. Would he taste like this too?

Ben’s hand reaches between her legs again. She breaks the kiss and puts her hand on top of his. She’s too sensitive for him to do that again. 

“Shh.. relax.” He says before kissing her shoulder.

He teases her opening a while before easing in two fingers. After a few pumps he pulls them back out. She’s soaking wet. 

He positions himself between her legs and releases his thick erection from his briefs, throwing them off the bed.

He’s so hard for her. 

He rubs his length against her delicate flesh and she wonders how it will ever not feel too big for her.

Instead of watching her facial expression of pain like he did before, he kisses her when he pushes in. 

Her body accommodates him, she feels it relaxing around him when he starts moving.

He grunts. “You’re.. ahh so tight Rey… fuck.”

Even now Ben’s moving so gently. She can tell it’s hard for him to hold back. Maybe it’s more sensitive this way. She wonders how she would sound like this from her room, is it the same like al the other girls? Or is it better?

When he’s fully seated in her, he stays still for a moment, letting her fully adjust. 

The man above her, once darkness itself, now making her feel safe and special. 

And when he finally starts moving in and out of her, she feels so full.  
The soft rhythm is driving her mad already. She needs more friction.

She lifts her hands and grabs his back, bucking her hips to urge him on to go faster, but he’s in control, keeping the agonizing pace.

“Please” she whimpers, making him grunt. 

His answer is clear when he lifts her hips and thrusts in deeper, filling her to the hilt.  
She cries out as he starts pumping faster. The sounds they both make grow louder and more obscene. 

She opens her legs further and even locks them around his hips. She’s not afraid anymore.  
Her nails are raking his back, leaving a trail of welts, the salt from his sweat stinging them. 

He watches her breasts bounce on her body sprawled beneath him. “Ahh..Fuck.” 

They found the perfect rhythm, and he thrusts and thrusts while she bucks her hips at the same time, taking him deeper. 

He claims her lips in a passionate kiss as his final thrusts get a little rougher. 

Unable to hold himself any longer he finishes inside her. He pumps a few more times before it becomes too sensitive and has to pull out. 

Ben lays beside her and puts a hand behind his head, focusing on his breathing.

Rey watches him. He seems proud of his restraint. Will they do this again?

The silence is killing her so she decides to bury her face in his neck after kissing his cheek. Was asking him to hold her too much?

He sits up and she falls back. Did she do something wrong? 

When they lock eyes again, a shiver runs through her spine. When did it become so cold in here?

She wraps her hands around herself and waits for him to say or do anything. 

He’s staring at something on his bookshelf now. But Rey can’t see what it is. 

He rubs his face and finally speaks. “Let’s go shower.” His voice now cold and hard again.

She frowns and opens her mouth to speak but he raises an eyebrow and beats her to it.

“It’s my turn now.” 

 

And with those words Ben stands up and walks into the hallway. Leaving her there, speechless. Expecting her to join him for anything he wants of her now. So it was all an act. 

She wonders if this is how it all works in the world where they currently wander, deceiving people to get what you want, no matter the cost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope this is readable.
> 
> Rey is 18 years old, Ben is 22.
> 
> Snoke is a young man without a hole in his face in this fic. But every other known character will keep their looks.


	2. Hello there

Rey takes a deep breath and gets up. She cringes when she feels Ben’s essence drip down her inner thighs. She didn’t bother asking him to use a condom since he hadn’t when she let him force himself on her the past months. 

She looks around in his bedroom and realises she never really got to see it before, it’s organized and clean. Not that she expected anything less. Ben made sure the new members knew to keep theirs orderly too. “If you can’t even clean up your own room, who the hell are you to give advice to the world?” She’d heard him yell during the initiation.

The room is so dark, only emphasized by the black furniture and grey walls. It’s such a contrast to hers with all the white and light colors. Leia helped her pick out every single piece. 

Behind her is his large bed, on her left side there’s a dresser, right next to the opening of a walk-in closet, that’s where he must keep those black suits he wears way too often. When she turns right she can see his desk. Everything on it is neatly stacked. She even notices a calligraphy set besides his laptop. Who would’ve thought. 

Against the wall in front of her besides the door stands the eyecatcher of the room, a large modern bookshelf. She remembers him looking at it a little too intense earlier. The higher and lower shelves are stocked with books, but the middle part has trinkets and photo frames. 

Naturally, she gets closer to take a better look at them.

Rey recognizes the picture of his fraternity, a group shot. It’s from a while back because it still has ‘The first order’ on a banner and that one guy in it. What was his name again? 

Right, Snoke. 

The next frame is a picture of Ben on the day he became Supreme leader. His facial expression seems stoic and he’s holding the vader mask, a stupid heirloom passed down from the founder of the frat. 

She doesn’t know how all of that went down but Snoke died a year ago and everyone on campus is still weird about it. They even changed the name of the fraternity to ‘The new Primacy’. 

Rey rolls her eyes. Beneath the picture is a silver plaque, mounted on the frame itself. It says ‘Kylo Ren’. The new name Ben took on that day. She refuses to call him that but everyone else she’s seen him interact with here does. What’s the point?

She tilts her head to the side, trailing her fingertips across the shelf. In the right corner behind an elevated pair of golden dice is another frame, so small she almost missed it. 

She raises an eyebrow and grabs it.

Ben is romantically holding a pretty girl, and they’re both smiling. They seem happy.

Rey remembers her, she’s the girl he brought home on thanksgiving 3 years ago. Kira. 

It was Rey’s first thanksgiving in her new home. 

Why would he keep that picture? She knows he didn’t just forget to take it down because he was still living in a room on campus long after they broke-up.  
No pictures of his parents, yet a picture of an old girlfriend he finds worthy enough to display? What is so special about her?

 

“Rey!”

She can hear him calling from underneath the shower. 

Quickly she puts the frame back and hurries to the bathroom.

“What took you so long?” He seems suspicious.

“I needed a minute..” 

He doesn’t really react to her counter, he just puts an arm around her waist and guides her in front of him under the shower head. The water is already warm and feels nice, comforting. But she didn’t forget his last words. The way he said them was haunting her. What does his turn mean? She wishes she could read his mind and see what it is that he wants. He's unreadable to her. 

He grabs a bottle of shampoo and pours a little bit into his hands. The sweet fragrance fills the air as he massages it onto her scalp. Rey is confused by the treatment. It’s oddly affectionate. She just lets it happen and is glad she didn’t wash her hair earlier. 

After everything has been carefully washed out he starts washing her body.

She thinks of the picture then. Ben seemed so pleased. Maybe if Rey acts like Kira he’ll like her better. She’s only seen her once or twice but the girl seemed assertive, intuitive... Or maybe just confident.

The first thing she tries is establishing some eye contact. 

He does notice it and looks her in the eye for two seconds before returning to his task at hand.

What else can she do? It’s clearly not enough. What would Kira do?

She grabs his bodywash from the rack next to her and squirts some of it on her left palm. Since he’s washing her body, she might as well return the favor. After rubbing her hands together she puts them on his chest, gliding swiftly down to his stomach.

He grabs both her wrists. 

“What are you doing?” He barks.

“I…” She whimpers. “You need to...” 

He interrupts her. “I need? You know what I need? I need you to get down on your knees. Right now.”

It’s the opposite of what she expected. A lump starts forming in her throat. Aside from the fact that she’s never done what he’s implying before, she realises the stone floor will hurt her knees.  
He turns off the shower. 

“It’s only fair right? It’s my turn.” His towering height reminds her of the weak position she’s in. So slowly, she lowers herself on the slippery tiles. This is going to leave bruises. 

“Ben please..” She pleads whilst looking up at him.

He looks down at her with his head held high, almost closing his lids. His eyes are cold pools of darkness. 

“I’m sure you know how this works. And it’s Kylo. Even to you.”

She gulps. Rey really doesn’t know how this works. 

Sure, she knows where it goes, but even with the knowledge of a few things Rose told her and some videos she saw online, the mechanics are still unspecified to her.

She sighs silently and finally looks in front of her. She’s seen his member before, but it’s different now, not as hard as it usually looks.

Kylo already grows impatient and tangles one of his hands in her hair, pushing her face closer.

Quickly she wraps one hand around him and places the other on his thigh before her face hits. She hears him gasp and thinks she can feel his abs flex. The impact feels like a small victory.

It’s really smooth, and when she starts stroking it she can feel it react instantly. Within seconds it’s as solid as a rock. 

She tries different types of movement, educating her that the tip is the most sensitive part. Is this how Kira did it? 

He groans as he pushes her head closer once more. So he still expects her to do it that way then.

This time Rey opens her mouth. She closes her lips around the tip and gives an experimental suck. Kylo breaths in through his nose and swallows back a moan, trying to compose himself. 

She tastes the soap she tried to use on him. Ironic. 

The sounds he’s making encourage her to do it again. Her lips advancing a little further this time. 

Soon he starts bucking his hips, picking up the pace every time she does that. Lewd, slick sounds fill the room. 

Just when Rey thinks she’s nailing this her head gets yanked closer. His full length is in her mouth then, a part of it in her throat.

She wants to gag and breathe. She can’t breathe. She needs air.

She’s striking at his hips to get away, but he only grunts and holds her there, still bucking.

Adrenaline rushes through her as she balls her fist and jabs him in the stomach, forcing him to take a step back and release her.

While Rey is catching her breath, he grunts loud, giving himself a few pumps before he finishes. 

Still panting, she feels the sticky liquid land on her chin and chest. 

He turns on the shower again and helps her get up. 

“We’ll work on that.” He says calmly as he washes down the remainder of the soap and come. Was he talking to her or himself?

 

Now wrapped up in a towel, Rey thinks of what just happened. Another first with Ben.

Her body tingles, her knees ache and her lips feel swollen.

She's enthralled as she watches Kylo getting dressed and pick up the comb she used earlier. 

He brushes through his hair with ease, his beautiful coiffure, so well kept, unlike hers. 

He missed a little wild lock at the back. He always does, but she knows it’ll be fine when it dries down.

When he’s done, he spritzes some perfume on his neck. The fragrance puncturing the air. ‘L’Homme by YSL’ She thinks. Her favourite. 

This means he’s not going out tonight. No he’d pick the one from Chanel if he needed to go somewhere. 

The sound of his voice snaps her out of her observation. “Put some clothes on, I need to make a phone call and then I’ll send one of the pledges to fetch us some dinner.”

He didn’t look at her or await a reaction. He’s out the door already.

Now alone in the bathroom, Rey takes a deep breath. 

She turns towards the mirror and looks at her reflection. The girl staring back at her wears an expression she could mistake for a grin. No tears this time.

She combs her fingers through her hair, parting it differently.

How did Kira wear hers again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s more to Rey than you think. I hope that became clear in this chapter. There’s a reason she doesn’t just call for help and it’s not because she’s still adjusting to this new world. Remember, she’s quite intelligent. 
> 
> Ben/Kylo is a jerk for sure but Rey is no little damsel in distress.
> 
> Please leave a comment with your thoughts on this story. I'd love to know them!


	3. Gargantuan Handsome Beast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No spoiler but a little warning: This chapter certainly takes things to the next level.

Rey is back in her room sitting behind her desk with her laptop in front of her. Her hair is almost dry and she put on some leisure wear. She’s currently scrolling through people’s friend lists on the Holonet. 30 pages later, still no luck. She sighs.

Where are you Kira? 

There’s not a lot of time left before dinner will arrive. 

She ends up on Snoke’s page, apparently it’s still up. His wall is full of messages from people offering their condolences. 

Right before she wants to click on ‘Friends’ she spots a tagged picture on his feed of him with a familiar brunette at a party. It must be one of the last photographs taken of him. 

Rey clicks on it. Bingo. 

The girl isn’t tagged but there are some comments.  
‘Cute’  
‘Goals!’  
‘Omg @KiraKenobi, love your dress!’

Rey smiles, she never thought she’d be thankful for social media. 

My My. Kira’s quite a popular girl, it’s clear she’s very active on there. She seems to have a large following, another advantage for Rey as it means everything will be set to ‘public’. Gotta keep the lurkers satisfied right? She shrugs. 

After exploring her profile for a while, she realises a few things;

Kira parts her hair in the middle.  
She opts for dark eyeshadows in every picture.  
They look alike. Or at least a little.  
She wears a lot of black. 

Rey puts a reminder in her phone to shop for make-up and black clothes. She only has two lectures tomorrow so she’ll have a bit of time. Maybe Rose can help her with this. 

She closes the browser and shuts the laptop before heading towards her closet. She does have some black pieces of clothing but it’s all very basic. She can’t wear a dress now, since they’re not going out. 

Maybe a black night gown. Leia insisted on buying it for her last summer. “You can’t wear those flannel pajamas forever Rey, especially not in summer.” She’d said, and as always, she turned out to be right.  


It’ll do. She switches her clothes and puts on the matching black robe on top. 

In the bathroom she grabs a brush and parts her hair down the middle. It’s weird at first but she kind of likes it. It makes her look a little more mature, put together. It’s certainly different from the three buns she usually wears. 

The doorbell rings downstairs. Dinner is here.

 

When she gets downstairs she can see Ben accepting the bag of food from one of is his pledges, Mitaka she thinks, and grab his wallet. He takes out a considerable amount of money and hands it over. That’s odd. It’s only for the two of them right?

When the door is closed she’s standing behind him.

He jolts when he turns around. “Jezus! I didn’t hear you come down the stairs?” 

All she does is smile, waiting for him to notice her little makeover. If he did, he doesn’t show it and walks towards the dining room.

 

She’s staring at the food in front of her while he’s down in the cellar grabbing a bottle of wine. It’s a regular dish, from a local little restaurant, so why did he pay easily double? No way he tipped a pledge.  


He returns with 2 glasses and starts decanting the bottle. Everything he does is done with diligence. 

When he’s about to pour some of the dark liquid into her glass she speaks.

“Oh no, not for me, thanks.” 

He pours it anyway, filling it almost completely. It’s not that she minds drinking a glass of wine, it’s just better for her to refuse it from him. She feels it’s a part of their interaction, or at least a way to get a reaction. 

“If you’re going to dress like an adult, you’ll act like one too.”

So he did notice. The realization puts a grin on her face while he’s focussing on his own glass.

When he’s done he sits down on the opposite side of the table and looks at her. The expression on her face now neutral again.

She raises her glass. He lifts his and gives a curt side nod, giving her permission to drink. He seems surprised that she knows how this works. Little does he know she’s seen him do it countless of times during the gatherings in the living room. 

As always his taste is impeccable. Or at least that’s what she thinks, what does she know or care about wine? 

Time passes as they finish their food in silence. She savors every piece.

“Want some water?” He asks as he gets up. 

“Yes please.” 

She could get used to this. Just the two of them spending time together. She’s sure the communication would improve over time. 

After a few moments he’s back and puts the water in front of her before returning to his seat. He went to get one just for her then hmm. 

He swirls the last of his wine around in his glass while he looks at her, switching his gaze between the glass and her face. 

Fine, she’ll bite. His features never reveal what he’s up to but his eyes make sure she gets his every intent. He seems impatient. He probably wants this to be over and head back upstairs. She might still get some schoolwork done tonight after all.

And so she drinks. All of it. 

His eyes are still fixated on her and she thinks she saw one of them twitch a little.

It tastes salty, but that might be the alcohol lingering on her tongue. 

Instead of getting up like she expected he starts talking.

“Why did you change your hair?”

For a moment she’s still, confused. 

“Don’t you like it?” She picks up a strand. Trying to flirt.

“Answer the question.”

That didn’t work.

“I guess I just wanted something different.”

“What made you choose that particular style?”

She shrugs at this, she guesses the alcohol is getting a little to her head.

“I don’t know Ben, social influence?”

He doesn’t seem happy with that answer. 

He gets up and starts gathering the plates. She wants to help and gets up as well.

“Sit down and finish your drink.” He barks.

Fine, whatever, she slumps a little on the chair and takes another sip of the alcohol. 

After he takes the platters and cutlery into the kitchen she hears him wash them, taking his time.

Is he really making her sit here and wait while he’s doing the dishes? They have a dishwasher?!

The clock on the wall ticks and ticks, intruding her thoughts. She taps a finger on the table and counts the seconds he’s gone. She’s feeling so relaxed. 

437 seconds later he’s back on the other side of the table, pouring a little more wine in his own glass.

“You like this Rey? Getting treated like a grown-up?”

She smiles. She’s delighted. Her insides flutter and her body tingles. 

“You like it right? Say it.”

“I like it.” She chuckles. Her cheeks are glowing. “Did you turn up the heat in here? I’m so hot.” She starts fanning her face.

“No, that’s just the GHB I mixed in your water. But don’t worry, we’ll get rid of your clothes soon.”

It all makes sense now. The pledge, the money, the way he looked at the water. How silly of her that she couldn’t put 2 and 2 together earlier. 

It’s all fine now though, she feels amazing. She doesn’t even react to the revelation. It’s as if there are little pins and needles grazing her skin, but it’s just the robe hugging her body. 

“Is it my turn again?” She grins. Oh god she’s getting turned on and that’s only by the mere thought of it. 

He tilts his head and raises an eyebrow.

“Who said mine was over?” 

She pouts at this “But... The shower?”. She had really tried her best. 

“Was what? I’d say that was you just teasing me, Rey. And if I remember correctly, we did do a little more than that on your turn right? Not to say I didn’t enjoy it, but it does mean the debt is yet to be paid in full. It’s common courtesy.”

He chugs back his drink. The composed sophisticated façade was crumbling yet again.

Rey isn’t paying full attention anymore. Whatever he gave her is working fast. She just nods at his little speech and starts taking of her robe, albeit slowly, her muscles aren’t cooperating like they normally would. 

She doesn’t have a care in the world right now, drifting away in her head.

“So compliant already.” 

It’s a whisper in her ear as they’re walking up the stairs. 

Time isn’t working as it should because all of a sudden she opens her eyes in his bedroom. She’s sitting on his bed and he’s undressing in front of her. Yes, come to me, she thinks. She even holds up her arms while biting her lower lip. 

He shrugs. The now naked man approaches her and pulls her dress up over her arms, exposing her breasts. The piece of clothing brushing her body is already enough to shut her eyes and moan. 

“Did you wear that for me?”

She nods again. 

He pushes her shoulders back, making her fall on his bed. She giggles. 

With one fierce tug he removes her panties. 

She feels a hand stroking her, sliding up and down her tight opening. She instantly starts moaning and arches her back. 

He pushes in two fingers at once, pumping with abandon. Her hips buck up against him as she whines for more. Her hands now fisting the sheets. Her body didn’t even need the time to adjust to this.

“Fuck Rey” He grunts. “so wet for me already.” 

She whimpers as he pulls them out again. “Ben…” She moans.

He flips her on her stomach and smacks her ass harshly. “Ahh!” 

He hovers his body over hers as he caresses the throbbing cheek. 

“Kylo” She hears him growl, before being lifted up on her hands and knees. 

Kylo lines up behind her, nudging her entrance, and with one motion he pulls her backwards until he’s fully seated inside her. The angle makes him feel even bigger. Her lips are parted and her face is flushed as her head starts swimming. 

His cruel grip on her hips is bruising. She hisses from both sensations but revels at him dominating her. The drugs preventing her from feeling anything but pleasure. This must be passion. 

Soon he sets a hard pace, pounding in and out while her body shivers beneath him. Her inexperience catching up to her as she struggles to stay upright. He’s too rough. 

She focuses on the lewd slaps of his skin connecting with hers.

Her moans start getting mixed with whimpers. 

He traces a hand up her back, pushing between her shoulder blades. Her vision is filled with white spots. 

Her face now shoved into the mattress, her arms can rest. She doesn’t care that she’s fully exposed to him now as she can hear him moan and grunt behind her. She enjoys him enjoying her. 

He leans over her again and places a hand on top of hers, his face buried in her neck. 

It’s then that she calls his name, his other one. “ahh Kylo!”

He seems pleased as the new pace he sets is slower, making her mewl. She can feel his heavy pants on the side of her face now. 

“So good Rey...” He groans. “Let’s see how far we can take this mm?”

Sound good to her... So she nods. Her eyes are closed shut the entire time, letting her body experience every thrust, but now he halts his attack and pulls out. 

She feels him move on the bed and she thinks she hears him open a drawer. 

She’s in such a haze. The drug must be in full effect now. Wait, they weren’t done yet right?

When she wants to get up he’s behind her again. His hands finding her little sphere of nerves. 

He flicks it so perfectly. “Ohh” She grips the sheets again, her knuckles turning white. Her legs begin shaking uncontrollably. She’s so glad they aren’t done yet.

She feels a cold liquid drizzle between her legs, his fingers catching it and smearing it between her delicate folds before tracing them upwards. 

Wait. 

Her world starts spinning and adrenaline rushes through her body at the new sensation of him probing her, there, to get her ready. Her foggy brain is still trying to keep the focus on the hand circling her little nub.

When he deems her ready he lines up once again and carefully starts pushing the tip inside. 

When she feels the new intrusion she gulps. It’s such an odd sensation. Normally she would freak out but her entire body is as serene as can be. She doesn’t think she could move even if she wanted to.

When he’s filled her to the hilt he lets out a low moan. His voice shakes as he calls her name.

The moment when he starts moving is overwhelming for both of them. His fingers circling her clit set a savage pace, her breath growing more ragged as tension builds up inside her stomach. Within 30 seconds she explodes, whining at the top of her lungs. The feeling of euphoria hits her.

“Did you just…” He groans. “Come with me fucking you like this?” She can actually hear him laugh. 

“Fuck Rey, that’s so hot.” 

Kylo’s thrusts begin to falter as he’s nearing his own release. 

He keeps swearing under his breath as he pulls out and spills on her back, 

Truly exhausted now, Rey drops her lower body on the bed. She feels Kylo clean off her back before tucking her in. 

She sighs in contentment and soon feels darkness wash over her, dragging her down a deep slumber. 

Another first with Ben.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh the irony of Rey laughing at lurkers.
> 
> I would love to know your feedback so please comment your thoughts on this dark chapter/story below, thanks!


	4. Blissful ignorance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no, it got worse.

It’s Friday morning when Rey hears voices downstairs and opens her eyes.

It must be well past dawn since she wasn’t awoken by her alarm. Why didn’t it go off?

She feels dizzy when she stretches out her body. 

When she looks around, she notices the dark and different furniture, the bed not as soft as hers. This is Ben’s room. 

Hold on. Why is she naked?

The memories start flooding back in but she’s definitely missing huge chunks of the previous night. 

Rey looks next to her and finds out she’s alone. He left without her.

The clock on his nightstand says 08:53. Fuck. Adrenaline starts rushing through her. She can’t be late.

Her first lecture is at 09:30.

“AH!” She quickly tries to hop out of bed but is forced to slow down as she feels a sting of pain. She’s not just sore like she normally is. The pain is coming from somewhere else. 

They didn’t…?

She inhales deeply at the realisation. She doesn’t recall that part. 

Another look at the clock tells her it’s 08:55. She’s got no time to ponder on this right now.

She sort of limps to her room and pulls on some casual clothes. A quick visit to the bathroom and a comb trough her hair is all she can waste time on right now. 

When she gets downstairs, she heads straight to the kitchen. 

She almost runs into Armitage Hux when she runs through the living room, Kylo’s hautain second in the frat. They’re both standing there with their briefcases in hand, ready to leave. 

“Easy girl, watch where you’re going.” Hux’s smug face turned towards her now. Every time he’s here he creeps her out, always roaming his eyes over her body.

Rey gives them both a glare and passes them. She noticed Ben was glaring at his friend as well. 

“Well goodmorning to you too then.” He mutters. 

Ben chuckles. “Don’t mind Rey, Hux, she’s had a rough night.” 

They must have given each other a look only guys can understand because the next thing she hears is an astonished Armitage as she grabs a bottle of water from the fridge.

“What? No you didn’t?!” 

“Shut up. We need to go.” The men walk outside. 

By reacting that way he must know he’s admitting it but why would he do that? Does Ben care about another man checking her out?

When she’s out the door she walks towards her bike and struggles to get on it. It doesn’t actually hurt that bad but it’s uncomfortable, sore. She considers walking but she won’t make it in time then. 

“You okay Rey? I can give you a ride if you want.” Ben’s wiggling his keys as he’s about to step in his car. He’s either smiling or giving her a devilish grin, she can’t tell. 

Hux loses his composure and almost bursts out laughing. All her blood rushes to her face and it starts glowing. Ben always behaves like a jerk towards her when he’s around his friends. But it keeps them from being interested in her though, so that’s a good. She just ignores them.

Rey gets on her bike and heads to their campus. It’s only an 8 minute ride. It’s so unnecessary for Ben to take his car, the show of it is one reason since it’s his late father’s 98’ Falcon but it also gives him the freedom to go lunch outside town or go hook up with a girl. 

 

When she finally sits down in auditorium A3 next to Phasma and Rose, she sends a text to Ben on how she needs to talk to him about last night. However, the chances of him actually texting back are slim to none, she realizes. 

Their first class is finished and the girls are walking to the next one. Rose keeps talking about her adventures with Finn, she became so casual about it. They both are now, even though they’re not officially together. When they all met at the beginning of the semester it was clear she had a thing for him. For a little while, so did Rey, but at their first social she saw them kiss and that was it. That was also the first night she heard Ben bring home a girl. 

In the hallway she sees Kaydel and some of her friends, headed towards the bathroom.

Rey interrupts Rose. “I’ll meet you guys in class, I have to use the restroom.” 

“Sure, we’ll save you a seat.” Phasma nods.

It’s a good thing those girls wear heels so she reaches the room faster and hides in a stall. 

The group enters the room, bringing a wave of sweet perfume and high pitched noises with them.

One of the girls chooses the stall next to her. 

“God, Ben keeps texting me to come over tonight.” She hears Kaydell talk.

Great, at least Rey knows he ignored her then. 

“Just go Kay, you must mean a lot to him if he’s willing to make time for you!” 

Another girl agrees. “Yeah you have to! That’s so sweet of him.” 

Kaydel sighs. “But what about the social tonight? I don’t want to abandon you, my sisters! Who’s gonna watch over you when some fraters think they’re worth your time?”. 

“Darling, we’ll be fine. You look happy when you’re with him. That’s worth more than a weekly social event.” All girls now hum in agreement. “And besides, the man is HOT! 

“True.”

The group starts laughing in unison. “Okay okay, thanks guys.” She hears Kaydel fayding chuckle as they leave. 

Rey gets out of the stall and washes her hands for good measure. She’s going out tonight. No way she can listen to the couple all night. Not anymore. 

When the second lecture is over, it’s around noon. Rey is sitting at the corner of a lunch table next to their little group consisting of Phasma, Rose, Finn, Poe and his longterm girlfriend Jyn. 

“Do you guys wanna go to a social tonight? I heard Kappa Kappa Gamma is having one at their house.” 

“The examinations are coming up, Rey, I have to study.” It’s no surprise Jyn doesn’t want to go. 

“I know, we all do, but it could be a fun break, we’ll meet up at 8:30 so there’s time to study until then. Only for a few hours, nothing crazy.” 

They come to an agreement. Only Jyn decides to stay home. She thinks Poe won’t go either but he gave them a little wink behind her back. 

After most of them are headed to the library or home to study, Rey asks Rose to help her find a dress for the night. “It’ll be quick, I just want a short black dress and some eyeshadow.”

Rose raises an eyebrow. “Are you okay? I mean we all acted along back there but you have never suggested to go out. Ever. And the dress? If I didn’t know you better I would think you’re dressing up to meet someone.” 

Rey knew there would be questions. 

“Today marks 6 years without my mom. I want to honour her by dressing up in black. And I just really need a drink.”

It was a little lie. It’s actually tomorrow. There’s no way she would go out on that day. She’ll be inside reliving everything, holding onto her pictures and watching videos. It’ll be the first time without seeing her dad.

“Oh no, I’m sorry, I didn’t know that. Let’s get you an amazing dress and tonight the first round’s on me!” 

Rey can’t believe that worked. Lying does really make things easier. She can use this excuse all the time and get away with it by saying she doesn’t want to talk about it. She thanks her friend before they’re both heading towards the mall. 

Back home, Rey unpacks the shopping bags and hangs up the dress for tonight. She bought heels and a purse to go with it. She’s sure Leia would be proud, finally getting herself something nice and expensive.  
Money wasn’t a problem in her family, it never was. Her dad’s an engineer himself and her mother used to be an orthodontist. Fashion just never really interested her. 

She pulls of her bedsheets, throws them in the laundry hamper before getting fresh ones out of her closet. 

She’s been here for about six months and almost everything has changed. She lost her virginity, albeit unexpected, and learned that sex can be amazing. She made new friends and realises how much she loves technology. She’s learned how to get her way, kind of, and found out that deception can work both ways. She’s learned that pretty girls get cheated on as well, even the sweet ones. And then there’s the fact that she’s completely and utterly fallen in love with her step-brother Ben.

Before she pulls over the new bedding she stares at the little droplets of blood dried in her mattress. It will always remind her of their first time together. 

 

_After 1,5 hours of tutoring, Ben opened a bottle of wine. “You barely need any help, Rey, you’re a natural.” Blood rushed to her cheeks as she thanked him. He’d been so kind to help her, asking nothing in return. She knew how busy Ben was with his own classes and the fraternity._

_2 glasses and a whole lot of information about the study course later it was time for bed. She got up and accidently bumped into him. “I’m so sorry’ she’d said, looking up at him. Their bodies had been an inch of each other. His amber brown eyes looked into hers as he responded. “Don’t be.” He’d lowered his head until their lips met every so softly before she pushed him away, he had a girlfriend. She ran off to her room and hoped they could forget about that._

_She was changing into her pyjamas when he came up behind her. He’d wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her flush against him. His shoulders curled forward and for a moment there she felt protected. His obvious longing soothed her soul._

_But then his arms started roaming her body. “I want you, Rey.” He’d said. She was confused. It was wrong and she wasn’t ready. But she let him. She let him undress her and push her on the bed.  
Right before he was about to take away her innocence she whispered “No” and tried to push him off, but it fell on deaf ears. He grabbed her wrists and forced himself inside anyway. He kept telling her how it was normal to feel that way, that some girls just needed a little help. _

_The pain was blinding at first, he was rough, telling her it would get better if she just relaxed. It did. As soon as he noticed she was starting to enjoy it a little, he praised her. He told her she was the best he ever had, and that she had no place in their social world, she was a nobody, but not to him._

She finishes putting on the bed linen and grabs her computer. She just needs to figure out how to please Ben. Sometimes he’s nice but then there are times he’s not. So she doesn’t understand. She thinks it’s because he needs a woman and she’s just a girl. He always needs to give her that extra push and eventually she never hates what they do. Him going down on her had given her the best orgasm she’s ever had, pleasing him orally in the shower had turned her on, him drugging her was odd but did feel amazing.

She’ll get there though, she’ll endure all of it until she can look him in the eyes and tell him she wants this too, that she’s ready. 

She follows and watches him as much as she can, trying to read him. Observing him so she can form some sort of connection to what he wants, from her, from anyone. 

And now she believes she’s found the missing link. Kira. She knows her and Ben were together for quite some time so he must have truly loved her. The picture remaining in his bedroom is proof. It must be. 

Rey wishes she had more experience with this or at least someone to talk to about it. She can’t tell her friends or family since it’s her step-brother. Even though they’re not related, it’s still a bit weird. 

She scrolls through Kira’s page again and looks up tutorials on how to do her makeup before getting back to studying. 

 

When night falls, Rey is sitting at her desk, stacked full of books and papers. Her room is dark besides from her desk lamp. She’d heard Ben come home with his girlfriend. Earlier than she had hoped. She made sure she already ate and doesn’t need anything from downstairs, but it sounds like the couple is headed to his room anyway. 

She can hear a giggle coming from the hallway and kissing sounds. 

Here we go again, she sighs. Rey’s door is always a little cracked open, she can’t hear the doorbell otherwise. 

She puts in her earpods and puts on some slow music before trying to concentrate on her books again. 

When the fourth song hits its last quiet notes however, the noise is pulling her out of focus. 

She can hear the sounds of their skin slapping together. Did he even change the sheets?

Rey can’t help but shut off her music and listen. The sounds seem animalistic. 

She takes out the pods, walks towards her door and puts her ear by it.

“Ahh Ben, you’re hurting me!” Kaydel’s high pitched whimpers make Rey frown, she’ doesn’t know whether to be worried or not. She can’t just walk in there and stop him.

“Come on Kay..” He groans, his thrusts seems to slow down just a little because the sounds are less prominent. “I thought you’d do anything for me mm?” Her moans bounce of the walls. “Don’t you love me?”. 

Rey’s chest tightens at that. Does he love her? 

“Ye..AHH!” Kaydel can’t even finish her reaction as the sounds of wet skin connecting are piercing Rey’s eardrums again. 

When she finally can’t bare to listen to it anymore, she slams her door shut, hoping they notice it. 

The sounds are muffled but not gone completely. She can’t study like this. If she tries to put on some music now it needs to be set on a high volume and she can’t exactly concentrate like that either. 

It’s around 7 so she could start getting ready. 

She needs a drink though. 

She makes herself a pink gin and tonic in the kitchen and heads back to her room to get dressed.

The black dress fits like a glove. It’s accentuating all her curves and pushes up her breasts, granting her almost another cup size. 

Clad, she walks down the hallway towards the bathroom, it’s on the opposite side of Ben’s. 

Rey realises now why she could hear everything so clearly. His door is slightly opened as well. 

Is this some sick joke to him? For the first time she actually feels hurt. Rey’s not a jealous girl but it seems as if he wanted her to hear this. 

Fine. Without looking inside she closes his door and walks into the bathroom. 

She starts following the steps she’s learned from the tutorial earlier and nails her first attempt at a smokey eye look. She never knew her eyes could be this hazel/green. 

When she’s nearly finished, Ben walks into the room and stops in his tracks. His body is still glistening from his sweat. At least he’s wearing underwear. He looks her up and down and she can see his adam’s apple bob from swallowing. 

He closes the door, walks behind her and pulls up the lid of the toilet. 

Really? God, men are disgusting. 

When he’s done he washes his hands and approaches, standing behind her. 

She can see him in the mirror. His hair is all wild. 

“Going out?” 

He’s looking at the makeup, then her dress. Lingering on her décolleté.

The alcohol is definitely getting her.

“No, I’m wearing this to bed, clearly.” 

He grabs her waist and throat, squeezing slightly as a warning. His body is pressed against hers and his mouth is right next to her right ear.

She can smell the sweet perfume, nor his or hers. Reminding her of what he just did.

“Meeting with other men?” He glares at her in the mirror. 

“No, I’m not. But why do you care? There’s another woman in your bed right now.” 

He squeezes harder, not pleased with her response. 

“You’re mine, Rey.” He grunts, the hand grabbing her waist now hoisting up her dress. He slips the hand down her panties and pushes a finger inside her. She lets out a whimper. 

Her arms are calmly at her side. She thinks about what he might want. A woman, not a girl.

She turns her head and looks at him sideways. “Just one scream, Ben, and she’ll know.” Her voice is cold, in control.

He looks at her, his face doesn’t budge. He’s thinking about it. 

The hand on her throat now covers her mouth. He seems to be willing to take the risk. Is he testing her?

When he’s about to kiss her neck she elbows him in the ribs, hard. 

He stumbles back and groans. It’s about time she gave him a bruise for a change.

She turns around and just when he’s about to grab her again, she opens her mouth, threatening to scream. 

He holds back, his features shifting. She doesn't know what to make of it but she's sure about one thing; she’s in control. 

She fixes her dress and leaves the room. 

Checkmate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> But then it got better...
> 
> Thoughts?


	5. Ben is the menace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you still like the direction I chose to go with it.

The development subsequent to Ben’s carnal interactions with Kaydel leave Rey breathless on the couch amidst the living room, the pure adrenaline still coursing through her veins. She texted Rose on her way down the stairs to pick her up as soon as possible. 

Her eyes keep ogling the staircase as she’s apprehensive about him following her. Something tells her he might not care what his girlfriend thinks of all of this. 

A recollection of the expression on his face bedevils her mind. Had she done the right thing?

Never had she dared to deny him like this. Her sinister reasoning for it makes no sense to her anymore. She’d feared he would stop, that if she really put up a fight he might actually give up and find another girl. 

Yet it appears that the so called ‘playing hard to get’ is living up to it’s reputation indeed. The novelty of a flickering in his eyes, the twitching of his wolfish features and the sheer subservience of him holding back were enough to dismiss any deduction she’d made over the last few months. 

The actions made her feel capable, powerful even, making the conflict reside almost completely within her. Almost.

The congenial layered patterns of his predictability and unpredictability truly rile up the most profound depths of her soul.

Rey doesn’t even want to think about their next encounter. She’ll have no leverage once they’re alone.  
-  
“Text Poe we’re almost there.” Rose says through her rambling, keeping her eyes on the road. The streetlights fall into alignment as the car picks up speed again. They had just picked up Phasma and were only 10 minutes away from the sorority house.

Rey adjusts the little mirror and puts on her favourite lipstick. The velvety crimson glides over her lips so effortlessly and transforms her entire face. The resemblance to her mother now striking. 

She no longer listens to the people beside her as the night sky captivates her. The endless dark azure bejeweled with bright flickering stars are promising good weather even at this time of year. 

Rey doesn’t believe in the conceptual hypothesis of her mom frolicking in the gardens of Elysium, but she can’t help but wonder about afterlife. Had she found her peaceful eternal rest or is she wandering a netherworld, refusing to accept the unfairness of being severed from her loved ones too soon?

Maybe it’s Rey who’s still roaming that world. 

“You okay?” 

Finn is a thoughtful guy, no doubt Rose told him about the anniversary. He’s been giving her compliments non-stop since she got into the car. But after 6 years, Rey’s had enough of the pity, especially when she wants to have fun. She’s not looking for a wholesome bonding session with her friends tonight. Rey just wants a drink, or 2 since Rose is buying her the first one.

She turns around in her seat to look at him. “Yes, please don’t worry about me. I just want to have a good time with all of you tonight before we all crawl back in to a bunker to study.”

“Amen!” Phasma chuckles.

He gives her a jaunty grin “If you’re not too busy hauling in all those fraters.”

“Finn!“ She yells rather high pitched. “As if.”

Laughter fills the car, creating a cheerful mood. 

He shrugs. “Yeah well I’ll be there when you have to fight off some rathtar okay?”

She smiles. “Thanks, I’d appreciate that.”

-

The house, or better put, mansion is a jaw-dropping sight to behold. Skinny columns and stately white pillars are neatly arranged in front of the tall, arched windows. The front door of this elegant barbie dream castle can only be described as magnificent and solid. Inside Rey is greeted by dramatic flower arrangements, a crystal chandelier dangling over a curved staircase and marble floors. The pristine beauty of the state-of-the-art furnishings and modern accents surround her as the music grows louder. The party seems to be out back on the lush green lawn. There’s a sea of people and she wonders if and how they all know each other. 

“Wow Rey is that you?” 

She turns around and watches Poe approach from the front door, he’s greeting about everyone on his way over. 

When he joins the group he acts as if it’s really hot and fans his shirt. “You look gorgeous!” 

Rey laughs. “You’re embarrassing me, stop!” But it’s clear she doesn’t mean it. 

“No I’m serious, Rey.” And he throws a chef’s kiss. A rosy colour now paints her cheeks. 

Poe really knows how to make a girl feel good about herself, even in general. It seems her outfit change doesn’t only affect Ben then. Another victory.

Rey never really wanted to get noticed. She likes being the odd one, the underdog. She used to be the girl sitting at the back in class, eagerly taking notes and writing down questions to ask the teacher, even though she knew she’d get teased for it by other students. She rather wanted to be alone than having to deal with the pity and fake friends because of what happened to her mother. 

Her nights consisted of reading her dad’s books and watching Youtube tutorials on how to fix something. Anything.

“Let’s get drinks guys!” 

Their sounds echo in unison. “Yes!” Phasma always comes through with great ideas. 

The backyard is like a sleezy teenage college movie she’d seen when she was little. Neon and strobing lights set the cotton candy land theme alight.  
Rey wonders how these girls dress like well put-together adults and still give off the major slut vibe.

These were the girls Ben would take home. Using them before using his charms on the next all too willing prey. Do they not care about what they’ll say about them? Who will want the girl who’s tried to climb the social ladder through Kylo Ren? 

Wait. Where they the ones using him?

-

Rose comes back with a plate full of shots, keeping her promise.

The taste of the first one burns Rey’s throat before a warm feeling spreads trough her limbs. It feels like the beginning of an awesome night.

The makeshift dancefloor is the safest option for her heels and when she decides that a woman like Kira wouldn’t care and just dance, she does exactly that. Nothing too crazy. Just in sync with the rest.

Rose’s dance is pretty awkward, but Finn appears to enjoy it. They do seem like a good match. Just not a great timing. College has a stigma about it that says you need to explore and discover in any way imaginable. Being in a relationship prohibits that, and they’re both adamant about being free. Their behaviour however suggests otherwise. They never look at anyone else besides each other. There’s plenty of exploring between them and either of them would hate to even think about the other being with someone else.

Phasma is already nowhere to be found, which is not surprising. She’d already cleared her dad’s liquor cabinet before getting dressed, and it shows. Rey hopes she’s not starting a fight with anyone. Phasma was kicked out of the university of Parnassos for aggressive behaviour before moving here, she claims it was to protect somebody and although Rey believes her, that does say a lot about a person. 

Poe is different, like a breath of fresh air he’s loyal, authentic. He’s truly in love with his girlfriend and is comfortable hanging around girls, knowing they wouldn’t change his mind. Even now when he’s trying to dance with Rey, when all the sisters are staring and subtly try to get closer, his eyes are on her alone. She realises he’s posing as her wingman. Poe’s well known here and he’s confident in what he’s doing. She’s had many comments on her outfit tonight, but the posh dudes need more than a pretty face and fancy fabric. She needs to seem wanted, societal, accepted.

“You really don’t have to do this you know.” 

“I know, but I can’t stop now. It’s already working.” He winks.

“I’m going to get drinks and you’ll stay right here.” He grins. “Blond guy behind you.” He whispers seductively in her ear so others might think he’d said something naughty to her before walking towards the bar.

Rey looks at the floor shaking her head while spinning around. She’s curious. 

When she raises her head there is indeed a young blonde man standing in front of her. He’d already approached her the second Poe left. Played like a fool. 

How hard would it be to get him to buy her a drink?

He’s holding up a cup “Cheers.”

Rey throws up her hands and holds her cup upside down, empty. “I’ve run out.” Raising a quircky eyebrow.

“Unacceptable. Let me correct this unfortunate situation.” He gestures to a youngish boy, a pledge perhaps, in a come here motion. That didn’t take long. She smiles.

The boy hurries to his side and is holding up a bottle of Moët & Chandon. One of Ben’s favourites.

The thought of him is punch to the gut. Everything reminds her of him, even the damn Solo cups.

The boys pops the cork with a slight hiss. At least that way she’s sure it’s not drugged.

The blonde man takes the bottle and holds it out. “Allow me.” He says while grabbing Rey’s hand to steady the cup before he starts pouring a considerate amount of bubbly liquid into it. Yeah she won’t be drinking all of that. His hand is soft and tender but the touch slightly makes her cringe.

“I don’t even know your name.” She studies his face as he’s pouring. He’s cute, nothing special, generic but handsome. 

“It’s Alexander.” He quickly fills his own cup and meets her eyes. He holds up the cup again.

“Now, what shall we clink to miss….?”

“Rey.” His pearly whites are illuminated by the tacky blacklights.

She looks around. “Well, cotton candy I guess.” It’s silent for a moment, a very awkward one, before he laughs. Perhaps he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed.  
“Works for me.” The cups clash.

Damn, that tastes good.

“Why haven’t I seen you here before?”

Right, getting to know someone involves asking and answering questions.

She decides on a neutral one. “I usually have other obligations that require a good nights rest.” 

Alexander looks puzzled. “Way too keep it light, Rey” she thinks, sighing silently. 

Again with the bright teeth. “So that means you’re free tomorrow?” 

No, no it doesn’t. 

“I can just start studying in the afternoon.” She gives him a little sympathetic smile, scratching the back of her neck. 

He’s not fazed at all. “Aha, a brainy girl.” He winks. “That’s too bad, I wanted to take you out to Kanata.”

He awaits her response. Oh it’s supposed to impress her because it’s expensive. Right. Ben’s favourite restaurant, of all places, it had to be that one.

“Oh you know Maz? Her sea bass ceviche is the best.” 

It really is. She makes a mental note to make a reservation.

He looks a little flustered. “A women with a fine taste.” He smirks.

He goes on about his favourite dishes and slowely but surely it’s turning into his resumé of his life. 

He’s rich, she gets it, there’s no need to hint at it every other sentence.

-

Rey is growing bored of the guy behaving like a snob, so she looks around to find her friends.

When she looks at the right corner near the mocktail bar she spots Poe, he’s talking to a girl.

Short black dress, long brown hair, high heels. Rey’s heart starts drumming. She’s not even in a room yet the walls are caving in on her. 

“Rey? Are you still listening?”. Oh, right. The dude.

“Oh, excuse me, something came to mind, I’m heading over to my friends. Talk to you in a bit?”

Alexander seems offended yet reacts as if it’s totally fine. Probably to keep up appearances or because he doesn’t get rejected often. 

He pushes his phone into her hands. “Can I get your number?” 

Oh why the hell not. “Sure.” 

She types in her info and hands it back before walking over to Poe and the girl.

It’s rude to interrupt though there’s no chance she’s letting this opportunity slide.

“Hey, here you are.” She interjects their conversation. She doesn’t dare look at the girl yet, although she can see her looking at her, top down.

“Well I didn’t want to ruin what you had going on there.” He smiles.

“Oh, this is Kira.” The name feels like a stab in the chest. She doesn’t know why. 

“We’ve met. Rey, right?” 

She faces her and their eyes lock, Rey didn’t know what to expect. The smile is what throws her off the most. She realises how ridiculous it was to be so anxious about seeing her again in person. She doesn’t know anything about her and Ben. They probably haven’t spoken in years.

She just slowly nods. 

“How are you? I can’t believe how much you’ve changed.”

“I’m good, thanks, how have you been?”

“Great! I’ve travelled the world after that last thanksgiving. It was without your brother but it was amazing all the same.” 

“Step-brother.” Rey corrects awkwardly, the word making her feel very uncomfortable.

Poe had a little twitch in his brows at that. It might’ve been a little too obvious.

“Right.” She looks like she just got a confession. “Is that dress from Polly’s? I think I have the same one.”

Well Kira wearing that exact dress on one of her latest pictures was the deciding factor for getting it in the first place so yeah, Rey knew that. 

“Oh really? My friend Rose picked this one out, I do believe it was Polly’s, yes.” 

“Good thing I didn’t wear it tonight then, hey.” She chuckles. 

Funny.

“So, is Kylo here too then?” Rey’s eyes shoot up. Why? Multiple scenarios enter her mind, they all end up with her listening to them fucking in Ben’s bed. Her bed.

“No, he’s at home with his girlfriend.” Putting the emphasis on the last word.

Just as she’s about to respond and possibly spill out her motivation behind the question, Poe interrupts her. 

“Not anymore, he just walked in.”

Rey physically holds her stomach as she’s afraid it might actually drop to the floor. 

Both the girls heads turn towards the direction Poe was looking. 

There he was. The tall one. The one that if this were a horror movie, it’d be that guy, the suspicious, brooding, freakish man.

He’s already looking their way. In fact his eyes interchange between her and Kira. His brow is furrowed. She’d only seen him like this when he was solving a rather hard equation during their ‘tutortimes’. 

He looks at the ground defeated before abruptly leaving. 

Rey wants to comment how odd that was to Kira but she’s already chasing him. 

Fuck.

“Guess they’ve got some unfinished business huh?” Poe speaks.

“Yeah, I have no idea.” But she really wants to. “Do you know where the ladies room is?”

“Sure, down the hall, last door on your left, we passed it earlier.”

“Isn’t there another one? There was a huge line.”

“There’s another one in the corridor of the right wing. Third door. Make sure no one sees you, I don’t think that one is for visitors.” 

“Yes! Thanks.” She smirks before sneaking her way through the backdoor into the house.

When she finally gets to the bathroom, it was almost too late. How big is that place?

When she finishes up and washes her hands, she hears voices through the little open window. They’re murmured, but she recognizes Ben’s voice immediately. Where is it coming from?

She leans in on the window. The left side.

The hallway is clear when she sneaks into a room further to the left, leaving the lights off.

It’s a bold move but she’s not there to take anything. She just wants to listen. 

Rey’s gotten pretty good at this.

She carefully looks out the window and sees them sitting on a bench. Ben looks mad, not in his element. He’s playing with a lighter. Since when does he smoke?

With diligence she opens the window just a little, holding her breath.

It’s quiet and she can see the girl just staring at him.

Ben notices yet his face remains impassive. “We agreed you’d stay away.” 

“I know, I just needed to see you. I can’t stop thinking about what happened.” 

Angry, he gets up and raises his hands. 

“What do you want me to do Kira? Turn myself in? tell the police everything and then hope they don’t give us a life sentence? Just so you can sleep at night?” The last words are spit out like poison. 

The little brunette cowers back in her seat. For a moment she seems scared of him and he immediately backs off as if the plot of land he was standing on was set on fire.

“I’d never do that to you.” She gently sighs. “I should’ve never called you that night in the first place.”

He looks pained by her choice of words and looks uneasy, uncomfortable but tries to regain composure.

“Let the past die.” 

Kira wipes away heavy tears.

“We did.” 

It’s as if a force is freezing all of Rey’s limbs.

“He deserved it.” 

No, she did not just hear that. A sledgehammer has just been planted right in the middle of her chest, knocking the air out of her lungs. His spiteful resonant voice repeats itself in her mind. 

After a long silence he sits down again, opposite to Kira.

“Why are you really here?”

She looks at him, eyes red-rimmed and still watery. “I miss you.”

He shrugs but keeps his voice stoic. “No you don’t.” 

“Kylo, please.” She pleads.

“Ah it’s Kylo now huh.”

She seems confused. Her neatly plucked eyebrows stretching closer. Did he expect her to call him Ben?

“You left, Kira.” He barks. “You did this! You made me become this.” He points at himself. “A monster!” His lips are drawn back in a snarl

“No!” She shakes her head. “You know that’s not how things went… I loved you, I still –“

“ENOUGH!” He shouts when he leaps in front of her. She holds her hands out in defence, expecting him to hit her. 

He laughs. “See? You’re afraid!” he looks away. “Everyone is.”

She doesn’t respond, just sits there. 

“Just stay away!” He shouts before storming off. 

Kira then starts crying, the ugly kind. 

What the hell happened? Rey grips her temples and tries to think. She wishes she never heard them. 

As she’s walking back through the halls she rehashes everything she’s gained knowledge of but it only proceeds to result in more questions. The biggest ones are ghosting around in her head.  


Did they actually kill someone? It sure sounded like that.

Who?  
Maybe it was an accident. No, Ben said he deserved it, HE. 

When?  
He said Kira left him, so after their break-up?

Why?  
Did he do this for her? Would he kill for Rey?

She shakes her head as if it will erase the crazy thoughts.

\---

When she’s back in the main hall/ lobby she almost bumps into Ben. How convenient. It’s not as if she waited behind the huge white pillar for him.

His face softens at the realisation that it’s her crashing into him. 

All of a sudden Rey doesn’t know what to say to him anymore so she just remains silent. Not an excuse me, nothing. She doesn’t know how to feel about all of this but confronting him here and now or ever is about the last thing she wants to do. 

“Let’s go home.” His cloudy onyx eyes barely meet hers, pleading ever so softly. 

The tension weighs heavy. Unspoken words linger around them as he awaits her answer. 

But Rey can not do this. Every inch of her body begs to be touched and worshipped by him yet her brain halts her and reminds her of the recent past. 

She’s not a toy, she’s not some beacon of light, ready to comfort him only in his darkest moments. She’s certainly not Kira. She is Rey, fucking stable Rey. 

“I’m going to find my friends. I’ll see you in the morning.”

He seems panicked. His Adam’s apple bobs when he swallows hard. 

“Please.” It’s a loud whisper, a prayer, a chant she’d sang so many times to him before, only to be denied or ignored.

Every intent he’d had is now clear. 

This isn’t love. 

“Hey Kylo what’s up?” A guy from behind him calls. Rey uses the opportunity and sneaks past to head to the backyard. She doesn’t see him again after that. 

The remainder of the night is lacklustre. Everyone is going home early and her mind keeps wandering to Ben, does he need to ruin everything?

\---

When Rey comes home, all the lights are out. Ben’s car is parked outside so he must be home as well. 

When she closes the main door she notices there are no heels, no sign of Kaydel.

Her intoxicated state makes her crave some water and she proceeds to walk towards the kitchen.

She yelps “Aw, fuck!” When she hits her shin against something. What the?

Carefully she treads further and turns on the light. Her mouth falls wide open. The entire place is vandalized. Did someone break in? She grabs a can of pepperspray from her purse and holds it up to counter a possible attack.

She listens but only registers an eerie silence as she checks the rooms. There was no sign of the door being forced and it was still locked. The windows are all intact. 

Ben. 

Angrily she rushes up the stairs. She heads straight to his room only to find it completely trashed as well. It’s as if everything he’d laid his eyes upon had to be destroyed. Her emotions run wild, she’s concerned, scared, disappointed and baffled all at once. Never had she thought him capable of this. 

She’d only seen Ben angry once. It might not have frightened her enough then, but it does now.

On his bed she spots photo frames she’d examined days prior. She gets a closer look and realises they’re shattered and spattered in shades of scarlet. Is he hurt? 

A small trail of blood leads her back to the hallway.

Oh no, her room.

The image she perceives when opening her door is one she won’t easily forget and makes her heart sink. 

There he is, laying in her bed, grasping onto her sheets. It’s unfeigned, almost childlike.

When she approaches him he’s still fast asleep. His heavy lidded eyes betray his former emotional state. Rey’s never seen him cry, it’s a distressing sight, pitiful even.

She decides not to wake him but his hands are bleeding and need attending. 

After grabbing a first aid kit she cautiously sits beside him to get a better look at the cuts. 

Gently, she rinses the wound with rubbing alcohol and puts gauze on top to stop the little drops of fresh blood.

He wakes with a gasp. He seems startled and disoriented. Tears still glisten his mink brown eyes as he looks heavenward before resting his gaze on her face, his brows drawn together. 

For a moment she freezes. If he’s still enraged she might find a violent demise tonight. 

Sadness clouds his features and her own tears now threaten to well up too. Her heart hurts too see him like this. 

“Shh, just let me help you.” She whispers, a shaking hand sneaks up to push back some locks of his inky black hair clinging to his forehead. 

He just gawks at her the entire time while she finishes treating his wounds. In her mind she’s debating whether these are self-inflicted or by accident. 

“Sleep now.” 

She gets up but he halts her as a soft but low mumble reverberates through the room. 

“Please stay.”

The tightness of his hand on her arm tells her he’s not going to let her go. 

She swallows and takes a deep breath before laying down like a doll laying on her side with her back to him. She figures playing along is probably for the best right now considering his fragile state. 

He wraps himself around her as if she’s his favourite teddy bear, an ever soothing comfort at his demand. 

She listens to the sound of his breathing. The slow rise and fall of his chest remind her that he’s but a man, a human being of flesh and blood with emotions and feelings just like herself.

The picture she created in her mind now burned and crumbled. The composed and solid façade he had been upholding is now shattered. It’s hard to comprehend that the man, not a god, she thought she loved has now revealed himself to be but a boy, unbalanced. 

She can’t decide whether it’s heartbreaking or simply pathetic.

Her eyes linger on the digital clock on her nightstand, it’s well past midnight. 

She thinks of the only person she truly wants to be with right now. 

A tear finally slips out, trickling down to find its way to her pillow. 

What would her mother think of this? Essentially lying to her friends and family, stalking her step-brother, letting him use her, copying his ex-girlfriend to get him to like her and now this. 

The sword of Damocles dangles over her head. 

Is she laying in bed with a murderer?

She squeezes her eyes shut at the thought, hoping she will wake up in the morning only to realize this has just been a nightmare. 

Happy sixth anniversary mom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dying to know your thoughts on this one.


	6. Truth be told

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An update?! Well whaddya know

Dawn. 

Strobes of light gently illuminate little specs of dust flying around, the white furniture reflects, setting the room alight. 

A serene breeze carries the curtains on its way inside and fresh air hits Rey’s nostrils as she takes a deep breath, the cold knocking on her brain to wake her from a deep slumber. 

The night had been dark and silent. No dreams had come to her and it feels as if she didn’t sleep at all. Picking her thoughts up where she’d left them. 

She’s alert. Her nightstand is clean, the first aid kid gone. The window was closed last night yet the wind caresses her back, indicating he’s gone. 

Her head is slightly pounding. A hangover from the alcohol or tears. Maybe both.

Uncombed hair, worn clothes, dried mascara on her cheeks and puffy eyes. Strange enough this is how she usually looks on a day like this. Well, at least for the past 6 years. 

There’s nothing on this world to comfort her as it was her comfort that passed away. A gaping void in the middle of her soul, silently draining the will to live out of her, even after all this time. It only spews out the question she’ll never get an answer to. “Why?”.

Her father is flying out to visit the grave today, promising to call her after she declined his request to join him. A decision she regrets wholeheartedly. 

For the past years this day was repeated as a ritual. Her mind an archive of memories to sift trough as she retold the same old stories to her dad, laughing ‘till their bellies ached. They’d watch all her pictures and videos, listen to her favourite music and tried to follow one of her recipes before realizing at the end that there are no new memories to be made. Each time. 

Her dad had stopped crying over the years and their private tradition kept getting shorter. Letting go is a natural part of the process yet Rey finds herself holding on, her mourning only enlarged by the feeling he’d left her alone in grief. Somehow she’s missed the train back to sunshine land. 

He’s found a new woman. He loves her. He married her. 

Only today that fact hurts. Rey does feel happiness for him and she really likes Leia, yet, a selfish twisted part of her translated it to her dad not finding consolation with her. He’s found alleviation in a different person and it makes her feel so fucking lonely.

Her fast footsteps echo through the hallway as she hears furniture moving downstairs. She hopes he’s cleaning up. 

The bathroom mirror has perfectly cracked down the middle as the shards had formed the shape of his fist, gravity painted stripes of dried blood, halting midway with a little drop dangling at the end.  
So he did to it himself. 

-

Warm water soothes her skin, the strong spray kneading aching muscles. 

She untangled her hair and dries it carefully. Her mom’s sweater feels soft and for a moment, things are better. Little achievements like this will get her through it. 

Her face looks tired and bleak. Her mom wouldn’t want her to look like this. 

If she’s honest she has to admit she gave up on the idea of her mother being proud of her for showering and putting on clothes a long time ago. 

She debates on whether to stay in her room for the entire day but she needs to eat. 

The dark wooden staircase creaks beneath her feet and multiple heads pop up. Pledges. She orders them to leave and after some mutters they finally grab their jackets and walk out the door. 

No sign of Ben. 

The silence renders her melancholious, and so she decides to honour tradition after all. 

-

She’d watched all of the video’s, went through all the albums and now she was failing a recipe yet again. It’s so quiet. The kitchen is a mess, chocolate spilled over the countertops, everywhere. All she wants to do is throw every last thing in the trash and walk away for good. She picks up a cup, taking a deep breath before letting it fall onto the ground. It feels good. She picks up another and lifts it higher before doing the same thing. It’s stupid, but then again, everything is. Soon she’s opening up cupboards and throwing plates against the wall as if she’s a girl possessed. She’s raging, wants to pull her hair and scream. When will this perpetual suffering end? 

To make matters worse, Ben walks in with his hands in his pockets. He looks distraught.

“Rey?” 

She’s heaving still when she looks at him. 

“I just wanted to say sorry, and thank you for the bandages.” 

She almost chokes on the sob slash shrug and starts shouting. “I don’t fucking care! IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU TODAY.” 

She sobs. “Not today.”

He’s calm, stepping further into the room. “I know.” He says quietly. 

“I know what today is.” And then she remembers, both their parents died on the same day. His dad, her mom.

She shakes her head as if she loses her damn mind. 

“How can you stand it? I don’t understand.” She asks with tears running openly down her cheeks.

He swallows before opening the fridge. “I can’t.” he whispers, grabbing the bottle of Gin. “So I drink.”

And she leaves the dirty broken pots and pans behind to follow him, in need of a drink herself. 

-

They end up drunk on the living room floor since the couches still need replacing. 

They’ve shared the bottle in silence and her head had gotten heavy after her third royal sip. 

Theirs backs are against the sofa, sitting across each other.

He looks sad, she’s sad, it’s all a mess. 

Her head is spinning, the blinds are shut and the light filtered through the cracks is dim. 

She just listens to him breathing, drinking. When he hands her the bottle again their hands touch and she likes the warmth. 

His stare is empty, he’s deep in thought, memory perhaps. She doesn’t care. She takes another swig and puts the bottle away, getting his attention, he’s not done yet. 

In a moment of pure inebriety she crawls towards him, her hands and knees touching the remnants of his rage last night. 

His face is still sad with a hint of confusion, but he seems rather unfazed, numb. 

When she reaches him he holds his hand out as if he’s going to hold her, or touch her face, but she bats it away and straddles him, she’s not there to cuddle. 

His eyes are watery and his movements are slow like hers. The alcohol affects them both. 

She touches his face lightly and their eyes lock as he tilts his chin to look up at her, both seeing each other, feeling the loneliness. 

Ben doesn’t move and she’s getting frustrated, aren’t her actions clear enough? He just keeps staring at her in that sad way of his. Now is not the bloody time. 

She kisses him, hungry, and instantly her hands roam down his chest, down his abs to play with his belt. He grabs her wrists and turns away his head. “No.. Rey.” But that’s not going to work for her. So she’s not listening, she wants this, she doesn’t care what he’s thinking and she keeps on kissing him. The exposed flesh on his throat, his jaw, his lips, and she can feel him starting to lose the fight. He could easily overpower her if he truly doesn’t want this, so he just needs a little more convincing. She cups him and hears him gasp, he looks puzzled but she just wants to get on with this, avoiding his eyes. She licks his earlobe and whispers. 

“Make me forget.” She grinds down, kissing his neck again, clenching her hands in his dark wavy locks. So soft. 

“Ben.” She almost whines. “Just make me forget.”

And Rey pulls of her sweater, leaving her in her tiny purple bra. He doesn’t stop her, but it’s not for him, it’s just really hot in here. 

She tugs at his black shirt and he holds up his arms, letting her take it off. That’s better. He’s still looking at her with sad eyes. Fuck. She leans back and grabs the bottle before taking a large sip again. Her sweatpants glide of easily before she finds her way back to his lap. She kisses him again so she can close her eyes, and this time he kisses her back, albeit slow and gentle. She sighs unhappy. 

She keeps grinding on him, feeling his promising bulge as their breaths start getting heavy. His hands hold her back and waist, but he doesn’t explore. It doesn’t matter, she can feel she’s wet and just wants to feel something, anything. 

She unbuckles his belt and pushes down his waistband before taking him in hand, giving a few pumps. She knows how this goes. His lips are slightly parted and he grunts softly, yet his hands remain on her back, gently stroking, holding her. 

A fire rages between her legs. She pushes her panties to the side and guides him to her weeping core before sinking down, taking all of him at once. Her walls stretch to accommodate him and she can finally feel something other than pure hurt and sadness. Maybe she’s become a masochist, enjoying the pain. She chokes on the feeling of being so full, eager to start moving. 

When she does he stops her again. “Rey.” His plea is pathetic, what is he trying to say right now?

“Shut up” she tells him before wrapping her arms around his neck. She lifts before sinking again, panting in his ear. His hands are a little tighter but stay where they are. His jaw slack from the pleasure. Soon she starts a steady rhythm, trying to take him deeper, almost to much to bear, but he won’t move. It’s not enough like this. She tugs at his hair to get a reaction, but he remains calm. 

“Ben, please.” She begs. Her voice is unsteady. 

He nods, his face a mixture of lust and anger now. He lifts her up and forces her body down on the ground on her back, still inside, taking back control, the beast has awakened. 

He pauses and grabs the bottle, panting. He takes a sip while looking at her, as if he’s gathering his thoughts again. 

It is put aside before he roughly starts fucking her, finally. Her eyes roll into the back of her head when he lifts her hip, managing a deeper angle. His thrusts are frantic and an orgasm soon builds low in her belly. His hips smack against her flesh so hard she’s moving up on the carpet. She’s never heard him grunt like this, his body on her, as if he wants to be closer. She keeps her eyes closed, face aside with her lips parted, moaning as if she’s all alone in this world. He keeps building the pace like a maniac and he starts trembling, his thrusts faltering, heavy and shallow. He’s not going to last long. She reaches down to make herself come, finding her sensitive button before stimulating it. 

Soon she sees stars as she explodes right along with him, anointing her on the inside. For a few seconds, everything is fine, the white behind her eyes the only thing she can see.  
His breath is ragged as he burries his head in her neck, holding her. His skin is glistening with sweat and his weight on her feels claustrophobic. 

She swallows uncomfortably, her throat still store from screaming. Another swig of the bottle burns it just right before she pushes him off, not interested in being his teddy bear anymore. 

He grabs her hand with a frown on his face. “Let me hold you..” 

“No.” Ben looks genuinely clueless.

“That’s not what this is.” 

“What is this then?” he sounds hurt. 

“Me using you, like you use me all the time.” She pulls on her sweater and pants, saying it as a matter of fact. 

He shrugs but has no come back. 

They pass the bottle once more, going back to sitting across each other in mourning. 

Minutes pass before he speaks again. 

“I always notice you, you know.” 

She catches his eye, dead serious. She’s so drunk, the lines on his face are blurry. 

“Following me, watching me, listening.”

She swallows, trying to play it cool, but her words form awkwardly. 

“What.. are you talking about?”

“You stalking me, Rey, I’m talking about that.”

She laughs and hiccups but his face remains stoic, and the laughter dies down fast. 

“Thought it was cute at first, our little game.”

He knew? Then why did he still treat her like she wasn’t worth a damn penny?

“That why you left the door open yesterday?” Her voice low, spiteful. 

“Ah, there it is.” 

She can’t keep her mouth shut any longer. “Then why? Why do you hate me so much?”

Her words slur a little. “What?” he frowns. 

“You heard me, Ben, why do you hate me so much? Always dominating me, you don’t listen, you make fun of me, you bring home other girls.” The last part a little too loud. 

He stares at the ground. “I don’t hate you. And we’re not together, it wouldn’t be right.”

She laughs loudly at that, giggles as if he’s told the funniest joke in the world. 

“You fucking ruined me. Tell me why!” She hiccups. For the first time realizing it herself. 

He’s staring her in the eyes, thinking about what she said, a few minutes pass as he figures out how to respond. 

“I’m a monster. This what is expected of me” He smiles and takes a dramatic bow in misery, his eyes threatening to leak. 

“I know you’ll leave me too someday and god knows you deserve better, so why would I even try?.” He laughs. 

Rey doesn’t understand but feels the hurt radiating her way. 

“When your dad married my mom, it was only natural to resent him, and therefore dislike you.”

What a child. She rolls her eyes and wants to speak but he continues. 

“But that’s not what happened, Rey. I wanted you from the minute I saw you. You were a breath of fresh air and that simply could not be.” He shook his head as if he wants to convince himself, biting his lips. 

This is madness.

“And then you three got along so well all of a sudden, without me, my mom no longer had any time to spare. Bemothering you, spoiling you. Little miss perfect.” He sighs. 

“You were always gone with friends!” Her counter falling on deaf ears. 

“I had a girlfriend for three years and I don’t think she’ll be able to tell you her name.”

“Kira.” 

He looks at her a little unexpected, putting his hand behind his head, he nods. “Yeah, her. I was all alone again when she left.” His gaze traces the ceiling. 

“they all do, you know. Leave.” 

“I don’t. I’m here, it’s all in your mind” She speaks it softly, afraid of bringing more hurt. She hates seeing him spiral down like this. 

“No. You... You never fucking left me alone. Always reminding me of what could be. What I’ll never get to have.”

Neon lights flicker in the room as a police car drives by. 

“You were there for the taking. No matter how bad I treated you, you always came back, and I couldn’t stay away.” “Like a fucking fool.” He mutters. 

She picks her nails, doesn’t know what to say to that. All of this is insane. 

She takes another sip and passes him back the bottle. 

Something still plagues her mind, and the buzz kicks her in action.

Now or never. “Who did you kill?” 

He sputters and chokes a little, Gin splattering on the beige carpet. 

“What the fuck?”

“Was it for Kira? What happened?”

He doesn’t know how to hold his body, as if the walls are caving in and the world comes crashing down on him. 

“I know, Ben, no need to pretend.” It’s the biggest bluff in her life, so here’s to hoping she’d learned enough from every entitled brat on campus. 

He looks around, as if he’s afraid they’re not alone. 

He stands and grabs her arm, guiding her upstairs to his bedroom, closing his door behind him. 

She slurs harder. “Wait the bottle..”

“Where the fuck did you hear that?” Bingo. Fuck. It’s true. Fuck. 

She shakes her head “I heard you talking.” 

He grips the bridge of his nose, walking around the room, changing his route every few seconds.

“Was there anyone else? Who else knows?” He’s panicking. Ofcourse he is, he fucking killed someone. 

Rey takes a shuddering breath before sitting on his bed, she’s afraid to ask more. 

“Ben?” She whispers, eyes teary while watching his lower lip tremble. 

“Tell me it was an accident.” Her eyes studying him, she needs to know the truth. 

He storms to her, throwing his hands up but refraining himself from touching her. “It was! God, Rey, it was.” And then he sinks to his knees crying, holding on to her legs. 

His sobs are pathetic, childlike. The alcohol in her blood keeps her strong. 

Her eyes close. 

“Tell me everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on twitter: RRClarke1


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